Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years! And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce…

And they say there’s no fate, but there is, it’s what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead, or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right, but it never comes. Or it seems to, but it doesn’t really.

So you spend you time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along, something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel cherished, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is is, I feel so angry! And the truth is, I feel so fucking sad! And the truth is, I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long, I’ve been pretending I’m okay, just to get along!

I don’t know why. Maybe because…no one wants to hear about my misery…because they have their own.

Fuck everybody. Amen.

]]> http://benji.milkboys.org/2010/01/06/synecdoche-new-york/feed/ 2 http://benji.milkboys.org/2009/09/10/explaination-bout-how-i-feel/ http://benji.milkboys.org/2009/09/10/explaination-bout-how-i-feel/#comments Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:31:07 +0000 Benji http://benji.milkboys.org/?p=510 Written yesterday, the 9/9/2009 at 09:09am.

9:09am and 9 seconds; – une demi seconde. i mean, half a second. Teacher speaking right now. “Is the child the father of the Man?”. I’m thinking about what im doing. I’ve got some depression. Its growing, day after day. “Language isn’t done to comunicate. Explain it.” I screwed up last year. I’m beginnig to repeat those mistakes. Seeing some close family in depression, a sibling trying to commit suicide.

Now its worse and worse. And i’m not in the right class. Definitely not. I’m not ready enough. I don’t wanna grow up that fast.

“RAWWWWWRRR. It was a 2 meters tall guy. I knew i was dealing with an excessive guy.” What the hell is ths philosophy class about ?? This teacher tell us his life omg O_o.

Anyway. i don’t know what i’ll do in a week, in a year, in my life. And the worst thing is, i don’t care anymore. Living, dying… it’s just a matter of time anyway…

I think i’m in love. I think i may be in love. And now it’s the 9/9/09, 9:09am and 9 seconds, and “i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in wich i’m dyng are the best i’ve ever had”

If all was so easy, if you only loved people who loves you back, who know you back, with whom it’ll work, and not hurt you…

I stopped time for a second, but that’s all i can do.

9:09:09… 9:09:10… 9:09:11… 9:09:12…

That’s weird, still. 9/9/09 at 9;09;09am, that was the very exact time it was, when i realized this, watching my watch, in this philosophy class…

And then, before i can even realize it, it’s already gone.

Life goes on, and there is nothing Peter Pan can do about that.

O_o

Benjamin.

Anyway, 2 importants things, the first one, i’m still in a bad mood/state,

:’(

the second one, i saw Inglorious Basterd, wich i can qualify as maybe, the best film i have ever seen in my life ^^’

The music was completely fitting the film, and the spirit of Tarantino was so deep into every scenes, i could barely think about anything else than it. Wich is rare, especially these time, when even in cinema, my place of peace, awful thoughts came to join me. This film was completely fitting the principe of a movie : Make you think about something else. And what thing ! xD

Killing nazis… It was really joyful ^^For once, you can release you anger, your hate without feeling too much guilty haha ^^

Anyway i’m gonna see it again tonight, say me what you thought about it if you want ^^

Woaw… i’m just weird xD it must be because of what im going through ^^

Anyway, <3

I could see the moon, the north star, and lots of stars, in the sky… but i couldn’t find hapiness…

I had a really bad night. I can stand life any more. The “good” news is that, i finally accepted the idea of going to a psychiatre. I’ll mabe have some medicine, and finally be happy again… who knows…

I argued with my parents, again, but today was different, i wasn’t at home, i was at my cousins’ home, in a city i don’t know, especially at night, and i ran out, still.

I don’t know how i did it, but my feet bleed… anyway, its 7am, now, and i just came back home, more depressed than ever.

Two facts : 1) i cann’t wait to have those medicines or whatever.

2) i cann’t stand this place, especially with my familly. I need to come back to paris. i don’t want to see their face, staring at me…

Anyway, life sucks, as usual, but i’m still here… sorry for you guys ^^’

See you…

Hey all. I spend most of my night watching CNN, and SkyNews, and some french ones.

I’m depressed, now…This was awful… At first he just “was hospitalized”, i saw it on Twitter, s oi put TV on…Then no breath…Then CPR..and then, one, then two, then a lot of medias say he’s dead, and i still have hope, and i wait for the confirmation from doctors and then his brother says “they tried to reanimate him over an hour… unsuccessfully…” it was so painfull to see him suffering while speak about his brother…That was a bad day , and I still don’t know…it’s weird, now, it’s kinda unreal…

I grew up with this…

And when i hear this … I cann’t prevent me crying…

I dunno, this guy isn’t anymore. We’ll never heard him singing for real, and in a few years, maybe 200 wich is nothing compared as time that goes, no one will remember him, and us either… What a freaky, scary thought.

This is just enough to get you dead of fear about death…

What the hell happend… I cann’t believe it …He was so beautiful, so cute before … It’s so …sad

Look how cute he was, when he is on the Statue of Liberty, at 5:01, on this video

Black Or White

But watch the entire video, please, because the music is, as the clip : perfect.

I just can believe he’s not here anymore. and when i see him, on TV, when he was a child, i cann’t stop crying, because it’s this boy who is dead, it’s not the man he became.

This boy, his child voice, his cute face, and his amazing voice, is not anymore, and it makes me so sad…

And i feel, so close to him, i don’t wanna grow up, whatever it cost, and it just reminds me how cruel is life. I’ll miss him as if a friend died that night, as if a part of myself died last night, as if the world, loosed a piece of beautify, of humanity, of art, of piece, of whatever it needs for us to live… I write this, listening this version of we are the world, and it makes me wanna cry so much, so deeply, this awfully beautiful sensation, this glooming peace…

So much woe…

He was so cute then …

I wanna be where you are… It’s more i want you to be where i am , now…-_-’

So may you rest in peace, if peace exist when we’re not, wich i doubt. You didn’t desevered death, you didn’t deserved it that early either, and for this, may you never be forget, listen all over the world, all over the time…

One last thing. Do you wanna cry ?? I mean, really, really cry ?? Because i cann’t see it complitely. It’s Ben, wonderful, Ben.

Tu nous manque, et tu nous manqueras, ta pensée et ta musique, nous accompagnant pendant le reste de nos fragiles vies.

Salut, l’artiste !!!!!